Miscarriage at Five Weeks

I’m not even sure why I blog anymore. The posts are so sparse and I never write about anything exciting.

But, I suppose I have an update this time around.

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We found out last weekend that we were pregnant! We figured we would be about 5 weeks pregnant at that point.

We told our family and friends (the close ones) and talked about giving Jackson a little “broller” or “sister” (Jackson is in favor of “brollers” only).

I went back to Atlanta to work on Friday and I noticed as soon as I got to work that I was spotting. I texted Jon but tried to ignore it throughout the day, although I still had some more bright red bleeding.

Friday night, right before shift change, I went to the bathroom and there was definitely more blood, but not super heavy. It was heavy enough that I felt like I was going to miscarry though. I was trying to hold back tears as I was getting on the elevator at work and literally burst into tears as soon as I got into my car. I cried my entire way home from work and most of the night on Friday. I spent all evening Googling bleeding in pregnancy and how much is too much and trying to figure out if there was any chance I could still be pregnant.

When I got to work on Saturday, I started bleeding even heavier. I was hoping it was just from laying down all night on Friday night, but it kept coming. I had some discomfort in my uterus, but no cramping or real pain. I was so grateful to be at work and distracted, instead of just sitting around at home. I also realized Saturday morning that there really didn’t seem to be any hope for having a successful pregnancy.

I went back and forth on whether or not I should stay in Atlanta to see my OB Monday, but decided to come back to Charleston since I was pain free and not bleeding much come Saturday night. I figured I could wait until I got back in town this Thursday to see my OB.

Of course, I forgot that my Rh factor (blood type) is negative. So after talking to my OB on Monday morning, she told me to go to the ER to get Rhogam since I need it to protect future pregnancies, and it has to be within 72 hours of miscarriage. I should have thought about that since I give Rhogam all the time to my ER patients, but I wasn’t thinking medically about my own miscarriage.

I spent five hours in the ER on Monday before I finally got my Rhogam. They did an ultrasound that didn’t show anything (which I was expecting- even my OB said nothing would show up). My HCG levels were 6.7, which is really low. At 5 weeks out, they should have been at least 18, but up to 6-7,000. I’m hoping they get back to 0 and we can start trying again soon. But, lesson learned- do NOT go out of state from your own OB if you have a negative blood type and bright red bleeding with pregnancy, because your Rhogam will cost you an ER visit.

I feel like I “got over” this pretty quickly. I’m still disappointed. I still felt a little emotional when I saw a pregnancy test at the store. I still wish I was just pregnant now. But I have always felt like I’d have a miscarriage on the second baby. Maybe because I read about so many women having them after their first baby that I just assumed I would. I felt my uterus a lot after the pregnancy test which was way different than with Jackson. My c-section scar seemed so irritated. I didn’t feel like I could believe I was actually pregnant. Something just felt off.

Physically, it was easy. It was easier than my periods, which are already really easy. I barely bled. I barely had cramping. Not what I ever expected from a miscarriage. And I was only “pregnant” for 6 days. I didn’t have time to plan or buy onesies or get that excited. I didn’t dream about the baby yet. I didn’t really feel pregnant except a little nausea a few of the days. I hadn’t even made my OB appointment to confirm pregnancy until I started bleeding. Really, I think I just knew all along that it wouldn’t work out.

It’s definitely different being the one who miscarries versus the one telling somebody they miscarried though. Even though I know it wasn’t anything I did, it’s hard not to wonder if it was that I was still drinking coffee or that I accidentally ate deli meat (because I forgot you can’t in pregnancy). Did I exercise too hard one day? But really, I know it’s unlikely. I just can’t help but think those things.

I’m hopeful that we are able to get pregnant again easily (especially since we live in different states- the timing has to align!) and that we carry the next baby to full term. I feel like I can handle one miscarriage okay. But if we have two in a row, I think it’ll be much harder to stay optimistic about this process.

Taking Toddlers to Asheville (FAIL)

Jackson and I went to Asheville this past week to visit my sister, Tonie. I envisioned a nice, relaxing trip with some hikes thrown in, a few CrossFit sessions with Tonie, and some brunch and coffee.

I almost didn’t go to Asheville since Jackson had a fever on Monday and was up quite a bit on Monday night. But by Tuesday, he seemed much better. I was still fearful of the afternoon since sick kids seem to always go downhill in the afternoon, but I decided we could snuggle and take it easy if we needed to. I had actually planned on taking him to daycare in the morning so I could finally get to the gym (we’ve been traveling, working, or sick since we got back from Japan, so my workouts have been so sporadic), but I had to keep him home since daycare sent him home the day before with a fever.

What I was not prepared for was the demon my child became in Asheville. Holy moly. Jackson is usually really good when people are around. But this time was another story!

Jackson didn’t nap on the way to Asheville and he spent at least 30 solid minutes fussing about wanting his sunglasses on his nose. He knows how to put sunglasses on, but he insisted upon putting one side on the top of his head and the other on the bottom of his chin, and then cried about how he “want them on my nose!”

We ran to the store on Tuesday night for groceries and he threw major screaming fits over absolutely nothing. He wanted to run off and do his own thing and did not want to be controlled, but he wanted to listen to me even less. But this was just the beginning, so I was doing okay still.

He wouldn’t eat dinner Tuesday. Whatever. I figured he was still sick.

Up a bunch on Tuesday night, but I slept in the same bed with him so we just woke up 50 times to readjust our snuggling position.

He slept until 9 on Wednesday. He wouldn’t eat breakfast. We decided to drive an hour to hike up on the NC/TN border. As soon as we loaded him into the backpack and got started, it started to pour. In hindsight, one of us should have checked the weather but neither of us did. Once it started thundering pretty badly, we decided to head back. Of course, Jackson wanted to continue on the “oler” way and was so upset that we had to go back. We loaded our soaking selves (well, I had a change of clothes for the little one) in the car and headed out for coffee.

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Still dry.

Sometimes Jackson is obnoxious when we’re out and doesn’t listen, but usually he settles down with some food. This time, I’m pretty sure he decided to lay in the middle of the floor no less than 20 times. This mom can handle most obnoxious behavior at home, but I cannot stand when Jackson lays on the floor in public. That and refusing to get into his carseat are the top two things that really make my patience completely fail.

We left there and decided to head to the gym. We were going on no nap, but Jackson did great last time we went to the gym at the Y there. This time, he threw the mother of all fits. I decided to leave him anyway since he always calms down. Except for this time. After 10 minutes, the childcare girl came to get me. He was so upset about being in there and took forever to calm down. He finally found some rings to play on while Mommy did a quick workout while Tonie chatted with a girl there.

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Again, no dinner that night.

On Thursday, Tonie had an appointment in the morning so my boy and I hung around the house and watched TV. It was super stormy or we probably would have gone adventuring somewhere. Jackson was being really good so I thought we were in the clear. Tonie got home a little late (right before 11) and wanted to work out again. I wasn’t too optimistic, but we headed to the gym anyway.

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Major meltdown ensued. Mom didn’t work out again. But I expected this one.

Thankfully, we got home and both fell asleep immediately for some good naps. Then Jackson ate a gigantic snack afterwards and seemed completely back to himself. Tonie and I headed out for a super late brunch at Sunny Point Cafe on the west side of Asheville.

Our meal was delicious and Jackson was surprisingly good!

Tonie had a meet up with friends that evening, so Jackson and I swept the floors at Tonie’s (his favorite) and had a great night.

We decided to go to the gym early on Friday morning before we headed out, but Jackson was crying if I even brought up him playing in the gym daycare. It was really nice out, so I called Tonie (we took separate cars so I could leave right after) and asked if we could just go hike instead.

We found a little trail up on Blue Ridge Parkway and it was so pretty. Unfortunately, the trail wasn’t great for kids. A ton of roots, steep drop offs, low hanging trees, narrow trails… Jackson wanted in and out of his backpack, to go this way or that way, to be carried or not… It was a short hike but at least we got out there.

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Then Tonie and I went into Waynesville, SC for a quick bite to eat before Jackson and I headed back to Atlanta. My boy crashed hard as soon as we left.

It’s trips like that where it is hard to be thankful for my cute little redheaded boy. No matter how much I love him, it was hard to keep on liking him on Wednesday. I think I texted Jon a million times about how I couldn’t take him anymore. He went to bed and I think I took about 30 minutes to just sit silently in the bathroom, where I could barely motivate myself to get ready for bed because I just didn’t even want to move. I was tapped out. Everything he did was just irritating me and I could just feel my stress level through the roof. I remembered my pre-child days where I could enjoy traveling or drinking coffee in peace and quiet or pay attention to adult conversation…

Charleston Weekends

Happy Monday! It’s been a good weekend out here in Charleston!

I spent Friday morning at a playdate for some moms in the area. Since moving here, I have only really met my neighbors and Lisa. Our neighbors (Ashley & Colton) are moving next month, so we only have Lisa left here. I really like Lisa (obviously), but she lives out in Summerville and I’m hoping to network with some people closer to home for backup if we ever need when we get back here full time, and it’s just nice to have other friends. We spent over an hour at the park with three other moms and their kids. It was a really good time and it was nice to chat with some new friends!

After we left, we headed straight over to Lisa’s house to hang out with them. We just hung around the house and the kids played (and Jackson ate a TON of peas). I left around one so Jackson could get a nap in for the day, except he never fell asleep…

We ended up just hanging out around the house in the afternoon until Jon got home. Once he was home, we ran out to Craft Conundrum for taco night with Jackson. Jackson was super fussy from not taking a nap and Jon and I had a miscommunication and really, the evening was not a good one! We came home to do bedtime and then I hung out in our room while Jon went out for a bit.

We spent Saturday morning at the beach. It was SO much fun. Jackson really got into the water this time and we spent almost an hour and a half just playing in the ocean. We went out onto a huge sandbar and the water was about a foot deep, so it was perfect to play in. We fed him a snack in the car and then Jon and I decided to stop by Saveurs du Monde for a quick lunch and then we headed home for nap time. Jackson slept so hard and I had to wake him up at 3pm.

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We ran to Target in the evening and made cheeseburgers for dinner and hung out around the house!

Sunday morning, I slept in until almost 9! It was so late but I just kept on dreaming! We were meeting Lisa’s family at Smoke for BBQ downtown at 11:30, so by the time we made breakfast and got ready, it was time to leave.

Lunch was really good (I had a chicken salad sandwich) and Jackson was thankfully pretty good until the very end. We went to get ice cream after and Jackson and Nora were both being a little difficult while we waited on the guys to pay, but ice cream fixed their poor attitudes!

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Nora and J

After ice cream, we headed home, where Jon napped, Jackson didn’t nap, and I tried to nap. Finally at 3, I gave up on the idea of napping and we got up and got ready for the beach. We headed out for about an hour in the water before deciding to head home to get dinner and baths before bed.

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This morning, I met a babysitter who is going to watch J a few days here and there next month since J will spend the whole month here. Then I went over to our new friend’s house and all the moms from Friday got together. I loved the girl’s house! It’s just down the street from us but I loved the layout and the decoration and their yard was so perfect! I have no idea what this next year has in store for us but man, seeing houses like that (which are in our price range!) makes me want to buy so bad so we can have that too. Again, it was really nice to get to know the moms more. I won’t be back for two weeks but they’re all getting together again this week. I’m really hoping to continue to get to know them as time goes on since they are all really nice.

We came home and snuggled on the couch before I put my boy down for bed. I’m heading back to Atlanta tomorrow since Jon has to spend the night in Savannah for a business dinner and an early course on Wednesday.

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I am sort of missing my days here in Charleston. I miss being settled in an area and wish I could spend more time really getting into our lives here. I’m always torn because of how much I really love my job, but I also miss just being set in one life. It’s a lot of work to go back and forth and although the drive doesn’t really both me, I waste two travel days a week doing this. It’s hard to meet more friends in Atlanta since I’m always busy, although it’s nice to have my own solid group of friends there (although, Laura just moved to Denver, Kassie is in Columbus, and Gina is downtown- although she’s out of school for the summer and will be on maternity leave through December!). I like working but I love that there is so much to do in Charleston. Because of traffic in Atlanta, it’s so hard to take Jackson to fun things since he naps during the only time of the day where traffic isn’t awful. I know our end goal is to move to Denver and I’m not sure if it makes sense to buy a house here at any point, but I wish we were able to plan a little more for our future. I just wish beach days on weekends could be the norm. Children’s Museum days and aquarium days and spending mornings with friends or at the splash pad sound so nice… I just want to be settled.

Anyway, I’m going to go relax for another hour while Jackson sleeps. Jon has a late night at work so I’m not sure what J and I will get into. Maybe we’ll head back out to the beach after his nap!

Life Updates

Wow, it’s been over a month. Time flies. For real.

I don’t have many Japan updates yet and haven’t even thought about it, really. Blogging hasn’t really been on my mind at all lately. I don’t know if I’m over it or if I’ll continue it or what… but I’m just not into it lately. I log on maybe once a week to read blogs but I’ve been busy.

Japan was amazing. I won’t get into tons of details yet. Maybe I never will, let’s be real! How many France updates did anybody ever get? None. Although I wouldn’t list Japan as my favorite country, even though I would love to explore SO much more, the people were hands down at the top of my list. People were incredibly polite. Guys, Jon and I left our painting in a coffee shop and the owner literally ran down the street well after we had left to stop us and give it back. Nobody eats and walks (or drinks and walks). People absolutely do not talk on cell phones while on a train or while they’re in public. As a matter of fact, cell phones didn’t really make a huge appearance. Of course people were scrolling on them, but it wasn’t like it is here. But nowhere is. It was just so quiet everywhere and everybody is put together. In Tokyo, I saw more suits in one day than I think I have in my entire life in the US. And they were nice and so petite. If I ever get a job where I need suits, I’m going back to Japan and stocking up (Jon told me to order them online but what fun would that be?). And they can be washed and dried! What?!

After we got home, I spent three days hanging out with Laura since she moved to Denver over the weekend. So it was jam packed full of friend time, and the girls and I took a trip down to Columbus to see Kassie’s new house down there and spend a day visiting. It was a long day, but definitely worth it.

Once my friend days wrapped I, I’ve been in a work/sick grind. Jackson got sick at daycare so I switched around a day, and then I got sick at work and had to call out. Thankfully, it was a 24 hour virus but I puked in my car accidentally and had to stop 3 times on my way home to puke too. Talk about unpleasant. Thankfully I had everybody to take care of J since Jon was in town…

And now I’m in Charleston! I have a few days here and then head back to Atlanta for a few weeks, and then I’m un-enrolling Jackson from daycare for a month and bringing him out to Charleston. I’ll be going back to Atlanta on Thursday afternoons every week so that I can work Friday and Saturday, and then I’ll come back Sunday mornings. While it’ll be a bummer not to have a weekend together while I’m here, I also want Jon to be able to get his time in and this is how it works with my work schedule.

Not much to update on other than that. I may work on some trip posts or something, but I’m just so out of the blogging groove right now.

Graduation & Japan

Happy Monday! I’m in Charleston right now since Jon and I leave for Japan NEXT WEEK! I don’t typically come unless I can stay for at least a week, but we (Jackson and I) drove out on Friday and are leaving on Wednesday and it has still seemed like a decent chunk of time!

On Saturday morning, Jon and I decided to go to Saveurs du Monde, a French place that I love in Mt. Pleasant! I used to go there all the time when Jackson was with his sitter here. Jon had never been there and he loved it too. We ran to Waterfront Park afterwards so Jackson could play on the playground and he was in heaven. There is so much for him to climb there. I’m pretty sure he could spends hours there.

We came home for Jackson’s nap and then headed to the beach in the afternoon because no trip is complete without a beach trip! Of course, Jackson had a blast. He spent a long time playing in the water and then we realized he was basically purple (the water was surprisingly warmer than I was expecting, but the air was a bit cool for being in the ocean), so we snuggled up with him and then let him play in the sand for a bit.

We were supposed to be looking at a condo on Sunday morning so we couldn’t go too far. We took a quick Target trip and then I went to the gym since nobody is manning the desk on Sundays. I had a good, long workout by myself since only a handful of people were in the whole gym. Turns out, our condo viewing was canceled and then the realtor never even got back to us when he rescheduled, so I’ll remember not to use him again. (We were thinking of buying more of an investment property- somewhere we could live for now and keep when we move and rent out.)

We decided to go to a baseball game last night since Jackson keeps talking about stadiums lately. While we were standing in line, somebody offered us two free tickets so we took them. It worked out perfectly since they don’t even check your seats at that “stadium” (it’s totally not a stadium like I’m used to), so we just sat where we wanted and ended up moving around a bunch. Jackson was pretty good (as good as can be expected) but then he hit a wall and was a  pain in the ass, so we came home.

I went to visit Lisa, Nora, and the new baby, Simone, this morning. Jackson had a blast playing outside in their yard and cleaning up toys.

I think we’re going to head over to visit our neighbors today since they move soon. I wanted to try to get back to the beach, but maybe tomorrow! I think Lisa and I are taking the kids to the children’s museum in the morning and then I’ll probably be packing up to leave.

Now that we had a random recap-

I’M DONE WITH GRAD SCHOOL! I assume I’m just waiting on my diploma after the official graduation this week, but I haven’t really heard anything specific. I assumed I’d get an email like, “You did it! You finished your degree. Wait for your diploma,” but there wasn’t really anything official. Actually, my final grades aren’t even in, now that I looked. But I haven’t heard otherwise!

As I mentioned above, we leave for Japan NEXT WEEK! We still have a lot of planning to do, but we’ve made a little progress. We almost have the rough outline of what we want to do. The bulk of our trip is Kyoto, a quick trip to Busan, South Korea, and then maybe Okinawa after? I really want to explore more island in SEA now. Maybe one day…!

I think that’s it for major updates… Jackson went down for a late nap and I’m going to be waking him up soon. I’m so tired for some reason! I get so sleepy in Charleston. No clue how I stay so lively and awake in Georgia all the time!

Final Week of GRAD SCHOOL

You guuuuyyyysss! THIS IS MY LAST WEEK OF GRAD SCHOOL! Technically, next week is my last week, but whatevs. I’m having my final practicum meeting on Friday with my professor and preceptor and will submit everything over the weekend, so next week I’ll be done! I was planning to walk for graduation, but backed out last minute. Graduation is on a Thursday night (WTF) and it’s the week before we leave for Japan, so there is no way Jon can take time off to drive 7 hours to be with me for graduation. If my husband and son can’t be there to see me walk, then it’s not worth it. But I think I’m okay with that decision. I just can’t believe that next week, I will be able to fully relax on my days off and not even have to worry about school. Since I started college at 18, I took one year off for my deployment to Iraq, and another year off between my bachelors and masters. But during that time, I was travel nursing and preparing documents for licensure nonstop and studying for the GRE, so I was still focused on little tasks. I WILL FINALLY BE DONE!

Except that after I finish school, I want to become a Certified Emergency Nurse, so I need to test for that (not cheap- and not easy, I hear- so I’ll be studying!) and I also am considering looking into becoming a personal trainer. So… school isn’t done. Also considering getting into real estate so we save on realtor fees.

Had I not taken my job, I would be moving back to Charleston after this week. But I took it and I love my job.

Jon and I have been thinking a lot about our “next steps.” I think realistically, we’ll end up in Charleston for another 2ish years at least. But I’m chomping at the bit to move. One of my best friends is about to move to Denver and I’m so ready to follow her. Jon’s company hasn’t had any jobs out west (other than California and Portland- I can’t live in the constant rain in Portland and Jon thinks the gun laws are too strict in California) but I’ve been looking. I’d love for Jon to go back to school for some sort of IT degree since he really needs to get a bachelor’s degree anyway since his job requires it. Our goal is to be able to work remotely, which is another reason I’m thinking about doing personal training, since there is money to be made online now with that. And I can work in travel nursing, also. Those are long-term goals, but I want to start thinking about how to get there now. We’re also trying to figure out some investment options to get into within the next 5 years because money makes the world go around and we have big dreams that aren’t cheap. But really, I think we’ll work on figuring some things out once we know where we’ll be settled. We’ve talked about opening up some sort of business but who knows. Or flipping houses.

I just got tired of writing about my life, hah. I’m going to go do some schoolwork since I still need to shower and run errands before picking up my boy today. I went to CrossFit this morning and rowed almost 2 miles and jumped rope for the first time since way before I had Jackson and felt like my calves were dying. But it was a good workout and I’m starting to not hate rowing so much. I can’t believe how much stronger I’ve gotten just adding in CrossFit 1-2 days a week. It’s crazy. And then going to LA Fitness 2-3 days a week, typically… Then we’re going to mess this all up by getting me pregnant again and I’m going to lose my body again.

I need to start looking at Japan. We leave in 3 weeks and have nothing planned. I’ve planned a lot of trips 3 weeks out but I’m starting to feel some pressure since we have another couple traveling part of our trip with us. I also can’t believe that we are THREE WEEKS from going to Japan. It doesn’t ever hit me until I’m waiting to get on my plane, taking my Ambien so I don’t flip out on the plane…  I also want to go to Pittsburgh in June for a nursing conference but haven’t even looked at that. I need to get on my life. School had consumed me but now I should start having some more time.

Okay, for real. Time to go. Except the internet keeps going out and I need the internet for all of my school work.

 

 

Quick Updates

Long time no update again! I’ll do this number styled to make it quicker and less rambly.

  1. LAST MONTH OF SCHOOL! Actually, last 3 weeks of school. I have a ton of work to do, plus it’s midyear eval time at work (haven’t even started yet). I’m ready to finish up with all of this work and start picking up a few shorter shifts down in the ER again to make a little more money. But, man, the FREEDOM of knowing that I will be done with school forever is unreal. It’s also crazy that I’ll have a master’s degree!
  2. We booked tickets to JAPAN! We planned on South Korea to be the bulk of our trip but changed our minds. Since Jon doesn’t like taking too much time off of work, logistically, it wasted way too much time to have to fly into Seoul. So, we’re flying into Tokyo and Japan will be the bulk of our trip, with a 3 day trip to Busan, South Korea, to see Adam and Jessie’s little town. They’ll be with us in Japan for most of our trip too, which I am super excited about because we love Adam and Jessie! We also had a major Skymiles win and our tickets were only $105 total for both of us. And since Jon is a Medallion member, he even got to pick out the good seats for free.
  3. CrossFit is still going! It is seriously shocking how much stronger I am after just adding in CrossFit 1-2 days a week, even if it hasn’t been super consistent because of going back to Charleston. I also just found a Groupon for a 10 day punch card for $26 for a CrossFit gym down the road from my house so I’m excited to try that, and to only spend $2.60 per class, compared to the $17 I normally spend on my classes. I’ve been consistent with my own workouts at LA Fitness on my off days from CrossFit too. I just need to focus on my eating a little more. Not to change my body, but because I feel like I’m consuming way more sugar than I normally do and it’s so bad for your body.
  4. I still love my job, but it is time consuming. We have mid-year evals and a committee that I’m part of and I’m going to be shadowing with supervisors on other floors so we can see how we can improve our processes on our floor and I’m there a bunch next week for interviews with my manager. I’m kicking myself for not asking for more money when I took the job because I’m truly spending a lot of unpaid time there (which is fine for right now because it counts for clinical hours, but I’m almost done with that) and I spend a lot of time driving 40 miles roundtrip for just a morning or an afternoon there. I still wish this job was longer term, but it’s not realistic for our family. But I have no plans to leave yet.
  5. I found a medical relief trip to Cambodia that I really want to go on. It’s 2 full weeks though and I haven’t asked my boss about it yet. I did ask my sister if she could come in town for a week to help with Jackson and she will know next week. If she can, I’ll approach it with my mom and then ask my boss. It’s at the end of September, so obviously, we’d push back the next baby until after I get home. But I’m dying to go to Cambodia and I’m dying to go on a medical relief trip, so I feel like it’s such a good opportunity! But, I think if that doesn’t work (because of how long it is), I’m going to try and do one this year no matter what. There are some in August that I could look at (Ethiopia!) so I really want to look into it… I’ve been really wanting to do medical relief for awhile and I just feel like it’s such an awesome way to use mix the two things that I love doing (traveling and nursing).

Time to go get some work done instead of blogging and looking up medical relief trips!