I’m not even sure why I blog anymore. The posts are so sparse and I never write about anything exciting.
But, I suppose I have an update this time around.
We found out last weekend that we were pregnant! We figured we would be about 5 weeks pregnant at that point.
We told our family and friends (the close ones) and talked about giving Jackson a little “broller” or “sister” (Jackson is in favor of “brollers” only).
I went back to Atlanta to work on Friday and I noticed as soon as I got to work that I was spotting. I texted Jon but tried to ignore it throughout the day, although I still had some more bright red bleeding.
Friday night, right before shift change, I went to the bathroom and there was definitely more blood, but not super heavy. It was heavy enough that I felt like I was going to miscarry though. I was trying to hold back tears as I was getting on the elevator at work and literally burst into tears as soon as I got into my car. I cried my entire way home from work and most of the night on Friday. I spent all evening Googling bleeding in pregnancy and how much is too much and trying to figure out if there was any chance I could still be pregnant.
When I got to work on Saturday, I started bleeding even heavier. I was hoping it was just from laying down all night on Friday night, but it kept coming. I had some discomfort in my uterus, but no cramping or real pain. I was so grateful to be at work and distracted, instead of just sitting around at home. I also realized Saturday morning that there really didn’t seem to be any hope for having a successful pregnancy.
I went back and forth on whether or not I should stay in Atlanta to see my OB Monday, but decided to come back to Charleston since I was pain free and not bleeding much come Saturday night. I figured I could wait until I got back in town this Thursday to see my OB.
Of course, I forgot that my Rh factor (blood type) is negative. So after talking to my OB on Monday morning, she told me to go to the ER to get Rhogam since I need it to protect future pregnancies, and it has to be within 72 hours of miscarriage. I should have thought about that since I give Rhogam all the time to my ER patients, but I wasn’t thinking medically about my own miscarriage.
I spent five hours in the ER on Monday before I finally got my Rhogam. They did an ultrasound that didn’t show anything (which I was expecting- even my OB said nothing would show up). My HCG levels were 6.7, which is really low. At 5 weeks out, they should have been at least 18, but up to 6-7,000. I’m hoping they get back to 0 and we can start trying again soon. But, lesson learned- do NOT go out of state from your own OB if you have a negative blood type and bright red bleeding with pregnancy, because your Rhogam will cost you an ER visit.
I feel like I “got over” this pretty quickly. I’m still disappointed. I still felt a little emotional when I saw a pregnancy test at the store. I still wish I was just pregnant now. But I have always felt like I’d have a miscarriage on the second baby. Maybe because I read about so many women having them after their first baby that I just assumed I would. I felt my uterus a lot after the pregnancy test which was way different than with Jackson. My c-section scar seemed so irritated. I didn’t feel like I could believe I was actually pregnant. Something just felt off.
Physically, it was easy. It was easier than my periods, which are already really easy. I barely bled. I barely had cramping. Not what I ever expected from a miscarriage. And I was only “pregnant” for 6 days. I didn’t have time to plan or buy onesies or get that excited. I didn’t dream about the baby yet. I didn’t really feel pregnant except a little nausea a few of the days. I hadn’t even made my OB appointment to confirm pregnancy until I started bleeding. Really, I think I just knew all along that it wouldn’t work out.
It’s definitely different being the one who miscarries versus the one telling somebody they miscarried though. Even though I know it wasn’t anything I did, it’s hard not to wonder if it was that I was still drinking coffee or that I accidentally ate deli meat (because I forgot you can’t in pregnancy). Did I exercise too hard one day? But really, I know it’s unlikely. I just can’t help but think those things.
I’m hopeful that we are able to get pregnant again easily (especially since we live in different states- the timing has to align!) and that we carry the next baby to full term. I feel like I can handle one miscarriage okay. But if we have two in a row, I think it’ll be much harder to stay optimistic about this process.