Today is one of those days. Ugh. Best way to describe it.
Adjusting to a new role at work is a little stressful, especially because I may be a little bit of a perfectionist and I have high expectations of myself. I typically leave working wondering if I handled a situation right. What could I have done differently? Would I have known what to do in another situation? I don’t want to be the person who just swooped into this unit and got hired- I really want to make things better. Yesterday when I was leaving work, I mentioned our census in the unit is down to 20 patients the rest of the weekend because of staffing. The night charge nurse asked if I was coming in today and I said no, I wouldn’t get any family time if I did (among that- I’d be working 4 12s in a row and not seeing Jackson at all- and I need time to get schoolwork done). She was like, “Well, welcome to being a supervisor. That’s a supervisor’s job” in a bitchy kind of way. I normally let things roll off my back. I welcome constructive criticism. But that got to me because I really am dedicated to my work, but I’m not at a place in life where I can pick up extra shifts, even if I want to. I rely on my parents for childcare and taking Jackson to daycare in the mornings puts my mom to work late. And it’s not her responsibility. I took this job and seriously extended my time living apart from Jon, so can I just get my 4 hours on Sunday morning with my family without feeling guilty? I didn’t really respond to the comment (now I wish I had- I don’t think she even knows what my family situation is- also reasons not to judge unless you’ve been in somebody else’s shoes).
School has been stressful. My Capstone project had late approval, so I ended up introducing it to the staff right before I had to go out of town. I got some negative feedback (but constructive really- I appreciated the feedback) from the ER supervisors when I got back (but I think it was more of a miscommunication). It’s been hard to get the ball rolling. My preceptor doesn’t seem into helping me with this project and I feel a bit brushed off by her. The ER has been crazy and had known I wasn’t going to still be working in the ER, I would have chosen my current unit for this project. It was too late to switch once I changed jobs though, so now I’m stuck trying to figure out when/how to dedicate more time to this project. But of course there is reluctance to help- it is CRAZY with flu season and the usual winter madness. I expected this, but I planned on having a bit more support. I’m fine with not having the support, but I hate feeling like a burden. And this project makes me feel like a burden. It also is taking away from where I really want to be focusing my attention, and that is on improving the unit that I am now working in. I’m just overwhelmed by this semester and am seriously counting down the three months until I finish my master’s degree.
On top of the work/school stress, this morning I asked Jon if we could go for breakfast. Jackson isn’t the most fun to take to meals, but we still do it occasionally. Jon didn’t seem to want to take him but agreed. We drug our feet a bit today and when Jon was in the shower, Jackson was being a little awful. I decided it’d be too late to go get breakfast without hitting the church crowd and Jackson was in no mood to wait for a table (it’s also raining, so can’t entertain him outside). I was too hungry to wait to eat somewhere else if the place I wanted was packed, so why not eat at home and go get coffee together? But when I brought that up to Jon, he made a comment about how I can’t just accept his decisions and kind of made a jab at me.
I feel like our marriage has really been on the upswing, shockingly. We’ve been living apart but I feel like we hit a low last semester and have finally been getting along really well for awhile and it has felt good. So I guess to have that jab, on top of all the other stress I feel, it just ruined my morning. I’ve been emotional and a mess.
I just feel pulled in a lot of directions and like I’m not really excelling anywhere. I know it’s normal to be unsure in a new role. It’s normal to meet resistance to new projects in a unit (expected that). I don’t think my preceptor is actually brushing me off on purpose- I think she is just busy and I have been doing most of my internship with my current manager, so I’m kind of “out of sight, out of mind.” I get that. I hate being away from Jon and working and not having my equal parent around to take on the burden of childcare sucks. My mom is amazing but Jackson is not her responsibility, so I feel like I can’t commit what I want to my job. I haven’t had time to workout between school, work, momming, sick days, snow days…
Anyway, with that, I’ll be off to write a paper on a leadership book I read for school… Three more months…